You can summon a baguette out of thin air but it is always slightly stale. How do you use this ability for personal gain?
submitted by
Stamets@lemmy.world

I need sleep
I hide my katanas in them
Start a stuffing and bread pudding restaurant, or a fencing school. En Garde!
Stale baguettes would make great chicken feed.
Burn the baguettes to boil water that spins a turbine that generates electricity.
I'm running on 4 hours sleep for the past 2-3 days so forgive me if this makes no sense. I'm going to see if I can find it in my enormous vault of bullshit but I remember seeing a tumblr post ages ago about humans in space. I love those things. Where humans are dealing with aliens and they're confused by us or vice versa. There was one of an engineer talking to an alien after first contact and they're discussing technology. It gets to what they use to go FTL and power their ships. Insanely complicated tech and then the alien finishes it with "and then it boils water which spins a turbine that generates electricity" and the engineer just starts screaming and smashing his head off of a bulkhead.
Edit: Well that was fucking easy. Still not sure this is the one I'm thinking of though.
Go to bed.
Apparently I just managed to beat you to it with my edit. Mwahahaha. Even sleep deprived my 70k memes cannot slow me down.
Kill me.
Nope. The world is more entertaining with you still in it.
I was inspired.
Edit: I also got bored and decided to record a mini 'audiobook' version real quick.
If you wanna listen to my dumb ass read my own writing - Click Here.
*Alarms suddenly flash, plunging the room into a deep red glow. The two security officers bolt up, the remnants of their conversation instantly evaporating from memory.*
"ALL AVAILABLE OFFICERS. REPORT TO ENGINEERING."
*The two exchange confused looks before grabbing their sidearm and heading out the door. The pulsating red glow of the alarms is constant and seems to keep pace with each footstep. All three tapping in a quick unison. The gleam of the hallways is definitely muted during any alert stance. Hard to tell the majesty of organic glass or a perfectly mopped floor when the lighting is brought down to about 25%. Ghymm hissed to himself that he'd have to file another complaint and get it increased to 28% at the very least. "I will fucking flashbang you, I swear to whatever a Christ is." Evidently Bhawwb had heard. Suddenly those evaporated memories came back from earlier.*
"If you mention the lighting levels again..."
"BUT THEY'RE AWFUL!"
"We're on a spaceship. Tense things happen. Low lighting is useful. Shut up about the low lighting."
"BUT IT LOOKS BAD."
"AND IT MAKES FUNCTIONAL SENSE, SHUT UP GHYMM."
"And just how does me being unable to see shit make sense? Especially when then you can't see all the fucking chore work I did."
"Mostly it just makes sense to me. You wouldn't get it. And maybe you wouldn't have to do so much bitchwork if you didn't bother the Captain with your incessant whining about how the 'mood lighting' harshes your 'vibe'?"
".... First of all, rude. Second, makes sense to you how?"
"Well that way you won't see my boot coming when I shove it up your cloac-"
*With memories caught up to the present, the screaming of the alarm in reality signaled it was indeed time to snap back to it before gravity went whoops. Both officers continued down the hall before a set of large opaque doors slid open. Silently. None of this namby-pamby human shit of specifically having the doors make noises that are as quiet as possible. Fungorian doors are the best doors in the quadrant, they'd have you know. Doors that are so good they're able to contain the unholy and inhuman screeching of a, well, human that has been beset upon by the gods of engineering and the damned. That is, until said set of Fungorian doors decides to open for two security officers that are bickering about a brightness value.*
"Ohm-munching, capacitor-crapping, resistor-licking, diode-diddling, quantum-queefing GARBAGE!"
*Ghymm and Bhawwb both stick their heads in through the open doorway just as an item that looks suspiciously like a monkey wrench sails an inch in front of their face. They pull their heads back into the hallway.*
"I’ve spent years, YEARS, getting electrocuted by pissy little stupid volts and soldering my dumb human fingers together to figure out something better, and you’re out here still running the same fucking tea kettle just with extra steps?!
*For the next 10 seconds they both stand, frozen, staring into the open doorway. Either one of two things was happening. Option one was that a set of various tools that once belonged to a human had become possesed with the soul of said humans. Hauntings were supposedly a thing. Just recently they had both seen a documentary film about a man being trapped in a large rich persons abode with many such dwellers that dare not move on. Such a common thing was it on Earth that all humans who were watching just seemed to laugh. Clearly a defense mechanism. Then again, option two was that a very angry human was just throwing shit around. Hoping (mostly) for the second, the two officers stepped in.*
*In the corner were two people. One Human, one Fungorian. Both wearing an engineering uniform. The human was kneeling with some archaic implement in his hand his head bumping against the ceiling, gesturing wildly with it while standing over the Fungorian, cowering on the floor, taking shelter against a wall. A wall that Bhawwb just knew Ghymm was thinking looked awful in this lighting. He was. It does.*
"I... I don't know what you mean!"
"YOU'RE JUST BOILING FUCKING WATER."
"Yes!"
"WHY?"
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!"
"WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER! WHERE IS THE ELEMENT ZERO. WHERE IS ELEMENT 710. WHERE IS A FUCKING TARDIS CORE OR SOMETHING. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FUCKING WATER!"
*The two officers look at each other, unsure of how to proceed in taking down the human that was, after all, several times larger than they were. Bhawbb nodded to Ghymm in a very particular way. The type of way one might nod when they're saying "Take out your sidearm, set it to stun, and HIT HIM. Ghymm nodded back in a less particular way, one usually just used for all varieties of "Yep."*
"JOULE-SNIFFING, WATT-WHORE TURBINE FUCKERY! GODDAMN STEAM-FARTING, VALVE-TWISTING, PISS-HEATED PIECE OF SHIT!
*The human raised his implement once more towards the machinery, ready to do God knows what. As it turns out, God didn't know what and was in-fact watching with extreme fascination. Ghymm, less fascinated and more terrorized, took out his sidearm and pointed it to the skyscraper sized human. He fumbled with the buttons, applying the seemingly correct stun setting and then pulled the trigger. The human instantly vaporized in a puff of smoke, leaving his gargantuan tool floating in the air for a moment before falling down and squishing the no-longer-threatened-but-maybe-a-little-threatened-afterall Fungorian engineer. A long pause hovers in the air, filled only by the alarm backing track of the room.*
"What the *fuck* GHYMM?! I SAID SET IT TO STUN!"
"I hit the wrong button! I mean... maybe I wouldn't have if we were up to at least 28% brightness..."
Firstly, this is fantastic. Did you write it?
Secondly, it's like the hidden, secret love child of Douglas Adams and Iain Banks' culture series, that spent weekends with a coked out Terry Pratchett, and it's one of the best things I've ever read
I did write it. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's that good... Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors though. Glad some of that poked through.
I love this, this is my favorite line. Very Pratchett-esque.
Honestly, that's tied for my favorite too. That or the "squishing the no-longer-threatened-but-maybe-a-little-threatened-afterall Fungorian engineer" line.
I'm glad you got a kick out of it <3
Care to repost to [email protected]?
Why not. Done.
So basically engineers managed to even take solar power where we have steam-free power generation and insert steam into it anyway
Engineers loves taking every imaginable form of energy source and turn it into a way to drive a steam engine
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concentrated_solar_power
All superpowers and magic can in some way be used to create perpetual energy machines.
Another way to do this without carbon would be to just summon them high up and sad they fall they spin turbines. Though you'd end up with a ton of baguettes and nothing to do with them
First drop then burn. You're back to carbon but you double the efficiency (might not be double I'm not a psychic)
A kilogram of bread is about 2000 calories, about 9 kJ. Your body "burns" food too - probably more efficiently than you could make a steam engine for the same, but it's about that much.
Energy from gravity is equal to mass * gravity acceleration * height. 1 kg of bread in a 9.81 m/s/s field has the same gravitational potential at "about a kilometer".
If you're throwing magic stake baguettes off the top of the Burj Khalifa, the energy would be about equal.
Friction (as in the atmosphere) would matter a lot in this case. Bread is low density and would have a rather low terminal velocity. Basically doesn't matter how high you drop it from.
(until high enough that you are letting the burn part happen on the way down, but then it's difficult to capture that energy)
True. I'd mentally envisioned it as a whole series of "bread powered water wheels" down the side of the building, with a furnace at the bottom. Nothing actually going fast enough for friction to matter. A machine that only tried to convert all the kinetic energy at the bottom would be wasteful, as you say.
Plainly, we're going to have to put some engineering design time into the concept of this.
Unless the baguettes sequester Carbon when they appear, this will eventually kill most humans.
Profits were made
Enter a homeless shelter each morning. Do my thing. Walk out a richer man than I was when I walked in.
Not all gain is monetary
I assassinate people by summoning baguettes in their lungs.
We thought they would use this power to end world hunger, but it only took them 7 hours to weaponize it
Can't be hungry if they are dead!
Breadbane the Yeastman always rises!
Croutons! I start up a crouton factory!
Croutons are what make me tingle. I mean it. I’m crou-tingly.
I eat a lot of French toast.
My kids get breakfast on demand.
Feeding the homeless.
And if you park in the bike lane with your window open, you're getting a very crumby backseat.
I was going to go with unlimited French Toast, but as the price of chicken eggs approaches Fabergé eggs, that may not work out.\
Switching to garlic bread, croutons, and
croque madamedang it!There has to be a pretty good vegan french toast recipe somewhere for inspiration on egg replacement.
You mad genius, that could work!
A quick look shows cheap and plentiful cornstarch and ground flaxseed may do the trick! I'd eat that...
I use silken tofu, corn starch (bird’s custard powder) and oat milk as the basis for bread pudding. I assume it would also work for French toast.
The custard powder sounds like a great idea.\
I have never used silken tofu. I like the firm stuff, but never knew what to do with the silken.
If the ability has some range, become the weirdest assassin ever as I summon baguettes inside folks windpipes, lungs, hearts, and/or skulls.
Can you do this to all the billionaires?
If he can't, summoning a baguette and forcefully shoving it up their noses is perfectly valid
Being only slightly stale isn't an issue at all, especially when it comes to sustenance to stay alive. Setting personal gain aside, have people pay you to travel to Bumfuck, Africa. Make it rain infinite slightly stale baguettes. Solve their hunger, at least for a while, and build a composting facility to create mass amounts of compost out of tons of slightly stale baguettes. Feed their livestock tons of slightly stale baguettes.
Travel to Bumfuck, India. Make it rain infinite slightly stale baguettes. Solve their hunger, at least for a while, and build a composting facility to create mass amounts of compost out of tons of slightly stale baguettes. Feed their livestock tons of slightly stale baguettes.
I'm sure you could reach out to many impoverished countries of the world, say hey you pay for my travel, my food & lodging, and pay me $200K (or whatever they can afford) and I'll make *slightly stale baguettes rain down from the fucking sky* and they'll gladly take you up on that offer. If they're smart.
World hunger, solved. Deserts covered with multiple feet of fertile, composted bread-soil. And as others have said, French toast & other foods forever. Plus if you work it right, you could get paid to travel the world & enrich the nations with your talent.
Become famous for producing infinite food, get shot by a religious fanatic whose beliefs don't align with the supernatural talents you possess. That or just a corporate hit by Frito-Lays.
I guess that is an angle. But I think I heard of an old Asian tale basically saying that tyrants, dictators, and oppressors require amazing security detail by default. But universally loved rulers who care for the people & do incredible amounts of good need minimal security, and every good man is an unpaid member of their security detail. Virtually all will work to protect him.
Even if that were the case, if you could quickly work over a few countries & create organic, fertile topsoil for all the barren land on Earth -- I would argue you have a moral obligation to quickly, quietly execute that power. Even if it kills you. Perhaps start by creating oceans of slightly stale baguettes in the deserts; leave people in the dark. Then go to countries in secret & be like *I am the bread god, you've seen my work, pay me now, and get all the bread*.
Even if they were to eventually find & kill you, strictly speaking about utility, creating millions of tons of fertile, rich compost & filling the bellies of millions of people is more good than you or I could ever hope to accomplish in a lifetime. Even a million people. It would be an act of goodness that would change the world forever.
If someone pulls a gun on you, then just summon a baguette into their lung...
Someone tries to shoot you? Believe it or not, baguette.
Maybe this is a cynical take, but someone in power would almost immediately have the magic infinite food person assassinated.
There are a surprising number of people who have indicated that they would use their baguette summoning powers to carry out assassinations. Here's me thinking "damn I could honestly help out in countries that are struggling, with this power" like the simpleton I am.
Oh I was fully thinking about murder too, to be honest.
With the right (or maybe that should be "wrong") people out of the way*, many more people will be fed than would otherwise not be. Short term goals versus long term goals.
Also, stale baguettes, while technically food, are not the most nutritious of foods. Employing the baguettes in other ways may result in better nutrition.
* I should make plain** that "out of the way" does not necessarily mean the most extreme measure. It can, but it doesn't have to.
** Somewhat like a stale baguette.
You can do both!
Jesus's had bread and fish powers
AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
Sigh my Boi only had the best intentions! Chunk of Humanity is trash without good constant leadership.
I don’t use it for personal gain.
I give away infinite free bread, and get arrested and jailed forever.
Slightly stale? It does sounds like i can steam it back up and then use it to do other recipe. Make Garlic bread with it is great, or cube it then bake it until crunchy, then toss it into mushroom soup as topping.
Unless you read the prompt as the baguette will *always* remain slightly stale, so no matter how you attempt to freshen it up, it will still be slightly stale.
So when I eat it it will not suck up moisture at all? Which (I think) would make it indigestible.
And this would be genie rules. No Cassandra here I'm afraid. No moisturizing.
But that means it won't get any *more* stale. Emergency baguettes for everyone!
Ah damn. They stopped the Challenge where you get 1 Million USD if you can prove you have Paranormal Powers.
Pass myself off as Jesus Christ
All good until someone expects you to do the same with wine and fish.
I’d just say something preachy and berate them for not being content and convinced with just the bread
Non alcoholic vegan Jesus lools down upon you.
No more giving money to homeless people. You get a stale baguette. Best of luck to you.
The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please don’t the fuck go blind by making moonshine with your daily staley.
I was thinking I could open a restaurant focusing on pain perdu (basically french toast)
.... I'd summon a few billion directly overlapping the physical space of a corrupt politician. If outdoors, in a tall column directly above, preferably several tons worth per capita.
Some choice people from this list I have would also receive a suborbital baguette infusion.
The downside is trying to deal with the stale fallout and subsequent mess the pummeled flesh and dough would leave after... Birds everywhere would go nuts.
ORBITAL BAGUETTE STRIKE!!
Can I summon the baguette out of the thin air inside someone's lungs? Cos that's basicly a free kill anyone wherever, whenever. U can rule the wold with that power.
Nope. Similar to DnD rules on create water, it has to be an empty void that you can see. Can't summon it inside someones lungs.
So you can't even displace air?
Displacing air is fine as long as it is in empty space or inside of a vessel you can see.
Again, space occupied by air is not empty.
It contains air.
👍
Well shit, I wasn't planning on assassinations but some people already behave like they have a baguette up their ass, and this could be improved.
If i summon baguettes out of fat air do they come buttered?
I'd make a fuckload of croutons
Oh that's easy: sell it at an outrageous price in upscale North American restaurants as authentic "pain Francais".
Reminds me of some American charlatan in the 1800s (I think it was the 1800s) who passed herself off as Chinese. To be fair they were able to get away with it because the Chinese were banned from the country.
I contact every James Randi-type paranormal debunker that I can find and explain my power to them. I agree to all of their terms and agree to demonstrate it to them under whatever tightly controlled absolutely perfectly sterile conditions they want.
And I do it for them, claim my prize money, and continue on with my life.
My power is to summon *a* baguette, not unlimited baguettes, so I gotta make that one count and I think that's my best to get the most bang for my buck.
Or if I get to decide where exactly that baguette is summoned to, perhaps I will have it spring into existence occupying the same space as [REDACTED]'s brain stem. Having them out of the picture would greatly enrich my life.
omg FRENCH ONION SOUP EVERYDAY
Can it be a 1 tonne baguette I would summon directly above someone's head?
Metric ton or imperial?
Metric of course. I thought imperial measure have something to do with number of elephants.
I become king of Dad Jokes.
-Dream transition effect-
-Clears throat to someone-
What do you do after getting your groceries?
-summons baguette-
You baguette !
🥖
Hey, so I'm very positive somewhere near you is a doorway of some type. Would you kindly walk through it, and leave?
Become a French toast master
Unlimited garlic bread, yay!
So.. how thin does it air have to be? Does it only work on a mountain top? Are tastebuds affected by low air pressure?
T O A S T
Open up a breading buisness. Turn the stale bread into breading and sell it at half the price of the competition.
Elroy's House of Croutons
I'll put some spicy chicken, turkey or other meat with some onions and garlic, hot out of the frying pan, maybe some hot sauce or gravy and some salad on the bread. Wrap with aluminium foil and leave it for a few minutes. Nice soft bread again...
I say "this is for the birds"... and I give unlimited free bread to the birds outside.
Feed the birds. Then what have you got? Fat birds.
So basically unlimited bread pudding, French toast, and of course capirotada!
Figure out a way to burn it completely and cleanly. Infinite power.
But I guess it depends on how long it takes to magic out of thin air.
If I could do millions per second, I might be able to get some time off. If it was 1 per second, then not really viable.
Although would add carbon to the environment (as opposed to unlocking millennia old carbon).\
So, feed those that need fed. I guess
I would rain down
bagelsbaguettes upon my enemies’ heads! Muhahaha.Baguettes AND bagels is too OP. Not fair.
Apparently I can’t read well the first 30 minutes of the day.
According to wikipedia, the atmosphere has a mass of about 5.15×10^18 kg and a baguette has a minimum mass of 8×10^-2 kg
I only need to create 6.4×10^19 baguettes
Now i have to figure out how to monetize this
If you summon enough baguettes in the right spot in space, you generate enough mass to gravity-slingshot Earth into a new trajectory. Depending on what mood you're in, you could use this to solve global warming, or send us into a collision course with the sun.
There's a French Toast restaurant near me. Maybe I could cut a deal with them, or just open a food truck.
Do my thing while standing by the microwave, that magical box which turns slightly stale bread into hot steamy fresh bread again.
Slice it. Toast it. Add toppings. Endless tapas.
Have you seen the per pound price of croutons?
No, I make my own out of bread that I summon the old-fashioned way.
Search up "ratatouille modern warfare"
Baguettes just dump out of Trumps butt whenever he makes a public appearance
Why not just cover the Whitehouse in baguettes 100s of meters high, while simultaneously filling the rooms with so much baguette you can't even move.
Definitely on the 'use it to assassinate billionaires and malicious politicians' bandwagon.
One that's done, I'm spending the rest of my life traveling to feed birds at various parks, beaches, etc.
Edit - also slightly stale is perfect for making banh mi. My lunch game is about to to kick up a notch.
Ergot farming.
Trickle them slowly enough onto the GE so they keep their value so I can sustain my membership through bonds.
iykyk
I challenge Karl, King of Ducks, for his crown.
Could probably launch my own line of bagel chips (or bagel crisps), I'd never need to buy the main ingredient.
I could probably get a job at either of my local grocery store bakery departments with that.
Killing a two-headed squirrel near Mt Rainier.
I could make a bunch of Runescape players very happy, I guess.
Make French toast. Oh wait eggs are too expensive. Never mind
I become ruler of every duck I come across.